Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Weight Challenge

So, a few days ago, I stepped on the scale (well the Wii board) for the first time in over a month. I was shocked to see that my weight had crept up, dangerously close to the most I have ever been. Now, I know much of this is related to stress, which I have been experiencing a lot of But, the glaring number staring back at me from the screen was a wake up call that I was in no way prepared for. I know I should have noticed the cues. I only have one pair of jeans that fit me and they are the biggest pair I own, I'm winded at everything, and I've been overly tired. All signs I am stressed and fat. That's right I said it FAT. I must be honest with myself if things are to change. It isn't just a little overweight, it isn't just chubby, it is fat.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I look at old pictures of myself and think "what happened?" Now, I'm not saying I want to get back to that point either. Weight has always been an issue, when I was younger I was underweight, grossly. Now, I'm over, what I think is grossly. I just want that middle ground, where I am not ashamed of my own body.

So, I've started keeping track of my food again and have made some healthy changes that I will continue to follow. I have, also, set goals that I feel are realistic.

Goal One: Keep track of all calories. This makes me face the facts and makes it easier for me to say no to snacking. I think to myself, "Do I really want to write this down?" The answer is usually no. Also, I can look at the calories I have eaten and realize I am not hungry

Goal Two: Keep track of all exercise. This way I can see exactly how much I am doing and, as opposite of calorie tracking, I can say "if I do this, I can add it"

Goal Three: Yoga and meditation. These are great tools for me to relax and remove stress and any stress relief that isn't eating is good.

Goal Four: Don't beat myself up. I understand it will take time, I understand that weight does not change the person I am, I understand that even if I fail I can still be on track. Remember this!

This week's weight in: Here is my brutally honest check in. I am starting at a horrible 178 and barely fitting into my larger than normal size 10 jeans. I hope to finish the week at a 170 and comfortably fitting into those jeans.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Trying for Baby: Time to Pause

I'm sorry for this post. I usually try to structure my posts a little, but really I just need to write. So, this is bound to be a more diary type post than most. 

I started my period today. I was devastated. I really thought I was pregnant this month. I was even 3 days late. I just felt pregnant. It hurts that again we failed. I went to my "Staying positive" list. Currently I am in the wallow phase. But something else important had to happen too. We had to decide what the next few months would entail. I was hoping this would be our month and we didn't have to worry about it, but, alas, that was not the case.

Tim and I decided to hold off trying to conceive for a couple of months. We have a couple of reasons for our decision.

One is that it will allow me to work an extra semester. This way we can hopefully get some more bills paid off and be better prepared for baby.

Two is that if I decide to go into my graduate program, I can get a full semester out of the way. I'm not entirely sure that I will be doing a grad program, but this is always an option.

Three is that we can avoid the crazy-ness of the holidays. Holidays tend to be horrible for us. We are usually pretty busy bouncing from all the families (4 different places). and to bring a brand new baby seems a little crazy. Plus, if I were to be due then it is possible that I would be giving birth then which is even crazier! Let alone, we may be without our midwife, if she is out of town for holidays.

Everything together helped us decide that putting trying to conceive off for a couple of months (2 to be exact) is the right decision for us. The problem is, I really want a baby. I am already hurt that we aren't pregnant. I'm frustrated that it is happening for all these people around me, most of which aren't even trying, while I am left behind. I understand Tim can't understand my feelings and I wouldn't expect him to, but at the same time I can't get over this hurt feeling.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Organized Home Project (OHP)

The Mission
It is my mission this year to create a fully livable, organized home. As, I go through I will be tracking my project here.

The Problem
What I have always had a problem with is trying to get organized throughout all the chaos. I know this piece goes in the bedroom, but when I try to put it there, its spot is taken up by other junk. So, the piece goes next to its spot and the process continues until nothing is in the correct spot and there are piles of junk in every room. 
Problem number two is simply there is too much stuff. Too much, "this is nice and I might use it." Too much, "sure, I will take it." Too much, "I will use this eventually, I need to keep it". Phrases like these result in an overload of things that ruin my simplistic lifestyle I want to live.

First Thing's First
So, the first step in my process is removing all the junk, from everywhere. I am lucky enough to have two living rooms, one of which we never use. The first thing I have done is move all the junk into that one room. Everything. Everywhere. If it doesn't belong, if it isn't organized, if it needs to be organized, it goes in this room. Now, I know this method will not work for everyone. Not everyone has an extra room they aren't using and this may not be the best solution if you have an active household. But think of this as the large scale. If you are organizing a drawer, dump it out. Work one drawer, one cabinet, or one room at a time, whatever you are comfortable with.

Here is some photo's of the disaster that I have created in step one (and my cat, Wink, mockingly judging the mess):

Baby Step #1
After I removed everything to the room, I, then, began grouping the like items together. And of course tossing things I do not need and separating stuff to give away or sell.
Second is The Best
To eliminate the problem of too much stuff, I plan to give, sell or throw away 30 bags or boxes worth of stuff by the end of March. I believe I have more than the 30 and I am really hoping to surpass the 30, but 30 is the magic number I am shooting for. Why 30? Because I feel it is important to have an arbitrary number and because I believe 30 is a little out of my comfort zone but not so far I can't achieve it. Maybe your number is only 10, maybe its 50. Imagine how much you think you have to get rid of, imagine the space it takes up. How many bags will it take up? now add a few bags, there is your number. Reinforce that number. Keep it on a post it on the door, put it up on the fridge, anything that will keep it in your mind. And KEEP TRACK.
So far we have removed 2 bags of clothing, a broken oven (which I am counting on a box, because it would fill up a box) and 1 box of books. I have tossed 1 bag of papers, and burned 1 box of personal document papers. I, also, have 1 more box of books to go this week. 

Here is the box that is going:

Although it is a little hard to see, it contains about 40 books. So, these aren't little boxes I am talking about. I am talking about removing a lot of stuff.
That is 7 for those of you keeping count. I have 10 more weeks and 23 more bags to go.
Staying Motivated and Keeping the Goals in Mind
If you, like me, need some help with the motivation to toss stuff, watch Hoarders. It will help. Now, I am not suggesting my house, or anyone who is reading this's house is as bad as this show, but remember many of the people on this show are in denial about how bad their house is. I am, also, in denial. I am sure that keeping those few extra papers or storing those cable cords is not going to clutter my house. The truth is I don't need it and its hurting me.
Now, I am not deluding myself. Things take me a long time. I work, have school, have a life. I do not have time or the desire to work on this every day. I know that I can't do the "30 days to change your home" programs. I can't focus on one room at a time. I have my own pace, my own plan. But, I need those deadlines. Giving myself the year will allow me the time I need to get everything done without rushing. Truthfully, I will probably be done early and then I will be proud of myself for beating my deadline. Mini Deadlines, such as my 30 bags by March, makes sure I am actually working on it.