Trying for Baby: Staying Positive

So, This is going to be one of those long entries I was talking about.The main reason? It's a very important topic to me and really the biggest thing going on in my life.

Tim and I have been trying to conceive for a few months now, five to be exact. Although in the long run this isn't a long time, I was one of those people who was sure that I would be pregnant the first month. That first month came and went and I had my first experience with the depression of old Aunt Flo showing up. For someone who has suffered with depression my entire life, this was a huge shock that I was not ready for.

Now, I'm an adult. I have been getting periods since I was 13 and have hated it, every month, every time. So, I really thought this wouldn't be any different. But there is a funny process one goes through when trying to conceive and your period starts. First is Shock. I was appalled and shocked when I woke up bleeding. It was like I was again that 13 year old freaked out that this could happen. Shortly after it finally sunk in that I was indeed not pregnant. Then came the depression. I had failed. I felt like I couldn't get over these feelings. But I became even more determined.

When good ol' Aunt Flo arrived again the second month, I went through the same thing. The third Month? worse. I knew with ever month more and more couples are getting pregnant and I wasn't one of them. I began seeing more and more baby stuff and cute babies everywhere. And with every facebook update about children and a few friends who announced they were pregnant, I was not only depressed but bitter. I reclused even more into myself. Tim and I began to fight about little stuff, only because, I was depressed, he was stressed and I was hurting. I realized that I would never conceive like this. 

So, I began doing random things that make me feel better when I know I am not pregnant. At first I didn't even know I was doing some of these but now, as we enter into cycle five, I am leaning on these more and more. Now, for the point of this post, I've decided to list and explain my coping techniques, some good, some bad, in the hope that I can share the information with not only other people, but have a list for me to look back on in case I am not blessed this cycle and must go through it again next month and best case scenario to save for my future use with all upcoming children.

How to make yourself feel better about not being pregnant:

Distraction: The "Oh, Look! A Squirrel!" Approach
Overloading your schedule will get your mind off of baby. For me, I focused on school, work, getting all the stuff in my house organized, making sure the cats got worm medication, and pretty much anything that did not involve me thinking about how much I want kids. Did this work? yes. Is it a great Idea? Probably not. The main reason: Stress. The thing that I forgot is that when you overload your schedule you: 1. are very stressed which does not allow you to be relaxed enough to conceive. 2. You are so tired you don't want to have sex (which in case you don't know is an important part of getting a baby in your belly, no you can't just eat one.) and of course 3. or as I like to call it 1 & 2 combination hell, stress makes your immune system weak, weak immune systems get you sick, being sick sucks, because it sucks you don't want to have sex, no sex = no baby (see above for reasoning). So, if you plan to use distraction techniques try to stay away from overloading too much and make sure it is something you really enjoy and can still stay stress free.

Make Excuses: The Next Month is Better Month
So, probably the first thing that you think of when you calculate that next hopeful estimated due date is think of the month and what is going on. The next thing you do is think of why this will be the perfect timing. For our first cycle that we thought we were pregnant, we would have had a march baby and march was perfect because classes were ending and I could have the whole summer before starting graduate school. When it turned out I wasn't pregnant we moved on to the first month of actually trying to conceive and moved on to a hopeful estimated due date in May. May is great, spring is blooming, I still have all summer off and won't have to worry about going into labor and maybe still having exams. No? Oh, OK. Well, June is really perfect. We will have been married a year, it will be nice and warm (which I love). Still no baby? July, mid summer, kid won't have a B-day during school great. another month? August. My B-day is in august and plus I always thought our first would be just like me it is perfect... So, no we are moving on to October, Which is perfect because it is Tim's B-day and I get to be Prego at the Renaissance Festival (Where I have a booth) and that always seemed like so much fun. But I am sure that ever month will continue to be the perfect month

Another Month To..
This is actually a really good technique for me. There are many things that you can substitute here but here is my list of things that now that I know I am not pregnant I have at least one more month to enjoy: drink, eat whatever I want and not worry it will hurt baby, take pain meds when I have a headache, caffeine (specifically energy drinks, which I am obsessed with)
And things I have another month to do: Lose weight so I get closer to my ideal, organize our house and clear out all the clutter, save and pay off debit. So, by convincing me that each new month is actually the perfect month, I can subsequently convince myself that it is a good thing that I am not pregnant

Relax: A Quiet Reflection
This is part of my distraction technique but, I feel it is important enough to have it's own category too. Mainly because it is something that I struggle with and I think it is really important for getting pregnant. Here are some things that I do, and will be trying to do more often, that relax me:

• Yoga, I use to do this every day and it make me feel better, physically, emotionally and spiritually
• Meditation, I love meditation. I really enjoy guided meditations and have a bunch of CDs that I can listen to. There are some fertility meditations that I might try. I did just download one and used it for the first time a couple of days ago, I like how it makes me feel. I try to meditate every night before going to bed
• Baking, OK, this may be just me, but baking helps me feel less stressed and therefore in-turn more relaxed. Of course, if baking is your stress relief too I would encourage you to find some place to dump your baked goods so you don't eat all of them.
• Playing housewife, yes this is actually a stressful thing and a relaxation thing at the same time. Maybe it is because we are recently married, maybe it is because we are thinking about children and I plan to be a stay at home mom, but I love making our house a home. I love cleaning and making sure everything runs smoothly, cooking and presenting dinner and even making sure our bills are paid.
• And finally I need to remember to just stop and take even a second for myself.

Wallow: Let yourself
It is OK to be sad. I actually am just now realizing this. I spent a lot of the time trying to push back the tears, I tried to convince myself that there was no reason to be sad, that it was stupid that I would be upset and that somehow my depression made me worse of a person. Until I realized that it is sad, I want nothing more than to be a parent, everything in my life has been waiting for me to be a mom and it is sad, everyday that I am not pregnant. It's OK to be upset, sad and depressed. But, you must balance wallowing in your sadness with the ability to move on.

Fake It: Smiling In Public
Although it is OK to be sad, it is also OK to fake feeling happy. When at school and work, many times I feel very depressed but put on a fake smile and tell everyone how great my life is. There is a funny thing that happens when you do this, eventually you become happy, not about not being pregnant, but in general for the time being. I start with a fake smile and realize soon after that I am actually having a good time.

Plan: Preparing for Babies
It may seem counter-intuitive that looking at baby stuff will help you stay positive about not being pregnant, but in truth planning will make you feel more prepared. To top that off, when you are actually pregnant  the work will be done. I have spent many nights looking at baby stuff online, talking to Tim about options for birth, what we plan to do when we get pregnant, what we are going to do when baby comes and of course, one of my favorite topics, baby names. Tim asked me once why I was spending so much time thinking and researching babies, I told him "I cannot control when we get pregnant, so, focusing on what I can control helps me feel less helpless." This is exactly why I do it, I am a control freak, I hate not having control over when we get pregnant. By focusing on what I can do, I can stay positive and don't feel like I am lost. Because of this technique I spend a lot of time on baby forums. I, also, already know what midwife we plan to use (and that we are using a midwife), where we are giving birth, what I am comfortable with and what I am not, the c-section rates of the hospitals around my area, umbilical cord information, and an idea for names, our preference for keeping what a secret until when. I just really hope that I don't run out of stuff to think about and plan before I get pregnant.

Focus on Other Goals: No One is Just A Parent
What other things do you want to do with your life. For me, this includes finishing school, writing not only my novel but short stories and blogs, updating my website and promote my business and of course test out my craft ability and ability to make a living at it. All of these things help me with future dreams I wish to have. Author, writing coach, successful aromatherapy business, artist, yes! I have a lot of things on my plate. The closer to my dreams I can reach the more successful I will be at achieving them when babies come.

Read: To Baby or To Not Baby
I spend a lot of time reading, the question for me is always do I read baby books or other material? My solution has been to try to find a balance. Currently, I am only trying to read baby books about fertility and pregnancy, with more emphasis on fertility. This makes sure I don't go over board  with baby. I, also, really like reading fiction and non-fiction. By balancing a little of everything, it is easy for me to distract myself with reading. Along those lines, you can, also, spend time on amazon figuring out which books you want to read when you are pregnant and after you give birth. Reading tends to fit into many of the other techniques. With baby information , it is part of my planning. With much of my non-fiction, it is focusing on other goals. Fiction is a way to relax. and of course all are adding more things into my schedule so it is a distraction.

Write: The Blog Approach
If all else fails, or you feel you need a little more of a pick me up, write your feelings. Use a journal, baby forums, facebook status up-dates, twitter, or blog, whatever your style may be. Get your thoughts and feelings out. Maybe think about writing a list of what makes you feel better and refer back to it as needed.

So, there is my list. I hope to refer back to it often and hope that it helps others. And maybe one day soon I will no longer need it, I can start a whole new list of things to do once pregnant.