Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Abadonship of the Blog

Yes, I know I abandoned this blog. Yet another blog that was started with good intentions, but lost motivation. Eventually, I'll get back to it. Right now, I am in my last semester of grad school, so not going to happen any time soon. So why, come back now? Because it is then a commitment to myself. That I will come back and make something of this. That I do plan on actually doing this. It is not just a someday possibly thing. It is a real, concrete plan. Just not yet.

Friday, June 13, 2014

And then there was 4

I wasn’t sleeping. I knew I should be, after all the toddler would be up soon and being full term I was already exhausted most of the day. But my hips were killing me. The last few months of pregnancy I had been in so much pain I could barely move. If it weren’t for the toddler, who still wanted to be played with, despite mom’s grumpiness and short temper, I probably would not have moved from the bed. But there I was, awake again. 3:57 I saw the time on my Kindle and in an all too familiar rush, I felt my water break and trickle down my leg. I knew this feeling, baby was coming. My contractions were irregular and I knew from the birth of the toddler that I had some time, after all that one was 42 hours. I texted Tim to let him know, he would be getting off work in a few hours, no need for him to rush home. I prayed this wouldn’t be 42 hours.

I was excited, but not nearly as giddy as the last time. 2nd pregnancy, especially this close to the last one, has a weird feeling of excitement, dread, and most of all boredom. Excitement because here comes a new baby. Both excitement and dread because everything was going to change, we were no longer a one kid family.Our precious daughter was going to be a big sister, a role she obviously had no idea what it meant and how this would change her life. Could we really handle two? Would she be ok? Would she love her baby sister? But oh baby, those firsts all over again. There was also a large amount of dread on the impending pain. At this early phase the contractions weren’t that painful, I knew that wouldn’t last. But with all this, there was still boredom. I knew it would be awhile and knew generally what to expect. I couldn’t start anything, but I couldn’t just expect to sit around and not do anything. Mostly, I paced around the house and watched mythbusters on the TV.

Tim came home around 7:30, I called my mom about that time too. I let her know that today was the day, but to not hurray. She had time to gather her stuff, maybe stop at the grocery store, and prepare for coming to my house to stay with the toddler. The toddler was just waking up when Tim got home. She seemed oblivious to mom stopping and whining with each contraction, she just wanted to know what was taking so long for her milk and breakfast.

I sent Tim to bed because I was still doing well and I knew I would need him up and not grumpy for this.  

My mom arrived around 9:30. We sat and talked names, of which we still weren’t sure. Unlike last time we knew the sex of the baby, another little girl, But I still had no ideas about names. Sure we had our short list, but nothing seemed quite right.

I let Tim sleep until about 12:30 before coming in and telling him he should think about waking up. He got up took a shower and got ready. We packed everything in the car, made sure the carseat was properly installed, I ate half a leftover sweet potato from our anniversary dinner two nights before. And away we went at around 1pm. Toddler waving in the window.

The drive to the hospital was new. Since Tempest was born at home, I never experienced having to drive while in labor. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. By then, contractions were about every 4 to 5 minutes apart, the drive was around ½ hour, and of course there was traffic.

Pulling into the hospital we had to decide, do we go through the front doors, or through emergency? I figured emergency was a bigger deal, and at least through the front we were close to parking and I knew my way. So in we went. Bag in hand, stopping every little while for me to catch my breath.

We sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before someone brought us back to triage. They checked my blood pressure and had me get changed. Then hooked me up to the heart rate monitor. The midwife who came in didn’t believe me that my water had broke. She took a swab anyway and sent it off to the lab. A quick ultrasound showed baby was ready to go. Everything looked good. Tim and I sat alone in the intake room for what seemed like days, it was really only about an hour. Then the midwife came in told me that my lab results did in fact show amniotic fluid and that yes, my water had broke. I tried to contain the annoyance on my face and luckily another contraction took my focus off of it.

They finally got us our room and we got settled in. I was happy to hear that the midwife who checked us in was just getting off shift and was not the midwife I was delivering with. The nurses came by checked my blood sugar, told me I couldn’t eat, but gave me the “liquid” only menu that I could order from if I wanted. There was nothing I wanted less than food.

Iv started

Water broke again

Penicillin again

Final pushes


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Toddler Fit of the Day

How to have fits like a toddler. Today's lesson: Birds do not want to be inside of our house

Currently there is a bunch of birds right in front of our deck door. Since it is a glass door she can sit and watch them, which she loves to do. Today however she decided that they need to be inside of our house. 

So, she goes over to the glass door. Half of them fly away. 

Then she tries to open the door for the rest of the birds, so I help her open the door and of course the rest fly away. She cries. For a successful toddler fit repeat until distracted by something else

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

10 months

In less than a half an hour my little girl will be officially 10 months old. I cannot believe how fast it has gone by and as I sit here and watch her sleeping all curled up with her toy sheep in her grip, I still cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be her mom,. I am lucky enough to have her in my life, and to watch her grow up. At 10 months she is already beautiful inside and out. She is strong, courageous, independent, funny and talented. She is everything I imagined when I dreamed of becoming a parent and she is so much more. I wish I could stop time and cherish where we are right now forever, but I also can't wait to see who she is as she grows up.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Miley Cyrus

So, I had to look up the clip of Miley Cyrus because I don't watch award shows and after watching it, I have a few things to say.
1. it really wasn't nearly as bad as everyone had been acting.  I have seen way worse on TV
2. she looks like an idiot and none of it was sexy or acting sexy.
3. it isn't all her fault

While I do believe that it is her decision to act like that, I do think we have to realize the underlying cause of this is being ignored. First off, do you really believe any celebrity is getting ready for these shows on their own? She isn't some regular young adult getting ready in her bedroom alone. She has teams of stylists and fashion-gurus helping her get ready. This means someone picked out and made her outfit for her. it wasn't some blind decision. The same goes for the dancing. There is a choreographer involved, period. There is lighting and sound guys, there is music arrangers and a string of other people all pushing her in a certain direction. I remember me at 20. I was young, stupid, and if I was in her situation probably would have also got caught up in a scandal. In fact the majority of 20 year old's do wild and crazy things that are way to overly sexualized. This is why they are still making "Girls Gone Wild" dvds. The difference is most 20 year old's do not have cameras following them around, they also do not have people pushing them in the direction that they feel profit them the most.  If you believe this was 100% Miley's creation you need a reality check. If you believe somewhere someone in't making a billion dollars selling these scandals, you are wrong.

I think it is time that people realize, acts like these are not one person "going wrong" they are the cause of a deeper unit at work here. One that feeds off of chaos and lies, one that preys on young adults because they can. One that is being drilled into every young child's mind through music, tv shows and media. It isn't about one girl acting crazy on TV. Its about so much more than this. We can pin blame on one person all we want, it does not change the fact that this is happening. It does not explain why child stars are falling in droves in this same pattern. You can't change your image from child to adult without some experimenting with who we want to be. And you shouldn't have to. Everyone should have the freedom to find who they are as an adult. I am happy I was allowed to do mine without the media questioning my every mood. Stars are not that lucky, maybe this is why their attempts are bigger and more exaggerated, maybe they just seem that way. Maybe at the end, this experience will make her a been women, maybe she will regret it, maybe it doesn't even matter to her. But it should not matter to us.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Our Library offers this amazing program for babies called Lapsit. We go, sing songs, read books, play musical instruments. Tempest loves it. And I love it too, for the most part. What I don’t love is how it makes me feel sometimes.
This is because there are a few moms there who you can tell are very good friends. They are what I would call the popular moms. The ones who gab about their careers and mutual friends and ask each other how their vacations went. Now, I have never been great at making friends and have very few people I would consider good friends, and even fewer who I think would consider me good friends. So, it makes me extremely sad to see such close bonds that I know I will never be a part of. To be honest, I really thought one of the nice parts of having kids would be the social interaction and belonging to the parenting club. Now I am starting to see that it might not be that easy.
Also, a huge problem seems to be at the ripe old age of 29 I am obviously the “old” parent there. Not only that, but to top it off I am way behind with this being my first Kid. I seem to be the only one in the entire neighborhood with only one child. Every other mom is on two or three. Because of my old age I am getting a lot of questions asking if this will be our only. Now, I didn’t really think I was that old to be starting to have kids, and I most certainly didn’t think I was old enough to be done having kids. After all, I am constantly reading studies about how women are postponing kids until older and older. Where were these parents? Where was my 30 somethings that I expected? Most certainly not here. Typically, I am use to being one of the younger people in the group. Most of my friends are a good 15-20 years older. I seem to get along good with that group. Normally, this gap is made more apparent my the fact that I look extremely young for my age. And while most of the time I could pass for this age group of parents, when I am there, it is no mistaken that I am older. Its like they are bloodhounds meant to sniff out the truth.
There is one other thing that makes me feel uncomfortable in this group, and yes it is petty and shallow, but it is also something women face on a daily basis, and that is many of the moms are pretty moms. Mostly these are the same moms that are the popular moms. Which puts me at a severe disadvantage. Now I not only do not act like these moms, I don’t look like them either. I am extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I was over weight before I got pregnant and while I didn’t gain a lot during pregnancy, I did gain some. Then after I found it extremely difficult to lose weight, especially since any attempt to limit calories to a normal amount was causing a severe drop in my milk production. Now at 8 months I am still 5 pounds heavier than I was before getting pregnant and a good 30 more away from where I would like to be.
This weight has another significant impact on my life, which is clothes. I have very little that fit. And a total on none that fit and are stylish. Also, because of money and the fact that I am a cheapskate, I am not buying any. Instead I sport a plain t-shirt and jeans almost daily. While the skinny, popular people can probably pull this look off and be considered classic and timeless, on me it looks dumpy and old. What is worse off is even the few other “big” moms still look nice. They still have this cute vibe around them. I just can’t achieve, because although some of them look like they may be heavier than I am, I have most of my extra weight in my chin and in my tummy. Anything I wear is going to make me look pregnant. There is no hiding a tummy like mine. I have to admit being pregnant was wonderful because I could finally stop trying to suck in my tummy for 9 months. But now there was no excuse. Especially with Miss popular (and mother of two, whose youngest is 3 months), who fits back in her size 2 clothes. I leave feeling short, fat, and ugly.

I know it isn’t about how I look and truthfully there is no contest going on here, but I also can’t help but feel like I am delivering a slight blow with how smart my daughter is. She is ahead on her milestones, which is a huge amount of pride for me, even though I know this really hasn’t shown any evidence what so ever to have an effect later in life. The fact that she can almost walk at 8 months puts a look of depression on their face, the same look I have when I look at them. Somehow this is justice, or at the very least karmic balance in some sort of twisted way. 

But despite my own issues, we go, every week. Because Tempest loves the library, the music and looking at other kids. While she isn’t old enough to really play with them she loves watching them dance around and march. Its these things that we do for our children that are true testaments as how much we love them. But honestly, I enjoy our time afterward much more. We like to walk around the library, we look at a few books, and talk with the library ladies, who are much more my pace of people. We play on the giant stuffed tiger they have, which Tempest adores. For a moment, it is just her and I in this wonderful place of books, sharing in something we both love.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Not a newborn

Everyone tells you how hard having a newborn is; they selectively leave out how hard it is to have a baby past the newborn stage. As if somehow to tell you “Once you get past those first few months, it gets better”. I am here to tell you, this may not be true. Tempest was an easy newborn; She hardly ever cried, she slept when she was tired, and we were in blissful ignorance that it would always be like this. I have to say, we may have been lucky as first time parents. I did not feel exhausted or overwhelmed in the slightest. In fact compared to the exhaustion I felt being 42 weeks pregnant, I felt great. My midwife told be numerous times that first week to “sit down! You are still healing” I felt healed, I felt great, I really wanted to get up and clean the house. People brought food, offered assistance, Tim went back to work, everything was fine.

In screeched babyhood. My daughter is no longer the peaceful sleeping infant. She is full on busy active baby. Babies are active. All the time. And she hates sleep. Its a Mexican standoff with her, sleep, and me. Who is going to give out first? Typically it is me. Her very effective way of fighting sleep and me is to out run us. As long as she is moving, she can’t fall asleep. “Just lay there for half a minute” is typically what you would hear me say if you were on the other end of our video surveillance. If I can get her to not cry and lay down she will be out within a minute, but she knows this plan. For awhile, I had resorted to giving her bottles to lay down (even though every book tells me not to). This worked because she would have to lay still to eat. Then she caught on to this plan, now she plays with the bottles, swinging it over her head, spilling formula all around. If she is actually hungry and knows she is starting to fall asleep, she kicks her legs back and forth until she is done with the bottle. Then, it is back to wild bottle swinging.

Typically, by the time she falls asleep I am in need some serious down time. I am not the type of person that can just flip a switch and be asleep. So, it takes me some time to relax enough to fall asleep. The longer the struggle, the longer I need. This of course means I do not get to sleep nearly fast enough and a few hours after I do fall asleep, she is up again. Consequently, I am exhausted beyond believe.

This is what I imagined when people told me those first few weeks were tiring. When she was younger and I was so tired she could play in her crib or I could nap while she naps. This no longer works out that way. I can’t sleep when she does because she doesn't take as many naps as she use to, and the Mexican standoff isn't just a nightly occurrence it also occurs every nap time. While she is awake, there is no playing by herself. Well there is, but it includes trying to shove cat toys and cats in her mouth, and getting into the trash. So, I must be awake to monitor this. She refuses to play or sleep in her crib. Whether it is a form of Separation anxiety or not has yet to be determined. In either case, it means leaving her in her room usually resorts to her holding onto the edge of the crib looking desperate to escape baby jail.

So Now, in my exhausted state, 8 months into baby-land, I wonder: where the hell are the people with food now. Someone come make me dinner. Everyone is anxious to help out with the brand new baby, but now they have all seen her. And I “have a handle on the whole mothering thing” as one of my relatives put it. Yes, I am a mom. Yes, I am fried. Yes, I run to the store every time we need something just so I can sit in the car and breath without having to worry about someone sticking handfuls of cat hair in their mouth.