Lapsit

Our Library offers this amazing program for babies called Lapsit. We go, sing songs, read books, play musical instruments. Tempest loves it. And I love it too, for the most part. What I don’t love is how it makes me feel sometimes.

This is because there are a few moms there who you can tell are very good friends. They are what I would call the popular moms. The ones who gab about their careers and mutual friends and ask each other how their vacations went. Now, I have never been great at making friends and have very few people I would consider good friends, and even fewer who I think would consider me good friends. So, it makes me extremely sad to see such close bonds that I know I will never be a part of. To be honest, I really thought one of the nice parts of having kids would be the social interaction and belonging to the parenting club. Now I am starting to see that it might not be that easy.

Also, a huge problem seems to be at the ripe old age of 29 I am obviously the “old” parent there. Not only that, but to top it off I am way behind with this being my first Kid. I seem to be the only one in the entire neighborhood with only one child. Every other mom is on two or three. Because of my old age I am getting a lot of questions asking if this will be our only. Now, I didn’t really think I was that old to be starting to have kids, and I most certainly didn’t think I was old enough to be done having kids. After all, I am constantly reading studies about how women are postponing kids until older and older. Where were these parents? Where was my 30 somethings that I expected? Most certainly not here. Typically, I am use to being one of the younger people in the group. Most of my friends are a good 15-20 years older. I seem to get along good with that group. Normally, this gap is made more apparent my the fact that I look extremely young for my age. And while most of the time I could pass for this age group of parents, when I am there, it is no mistaken that I am older. Its like they are bloodhounds meant to sniff out the truth.

There is one other thing that makes me feel uncomfortable in this group, and yes it is petty and shallow, but it is also something women face on a daily basis, and that is many of the moms are pretty moms. Mostly these are the same moms that are the popular moms. Which puts me at a severe disadvantage. Now I not only do not act like these moms, I don’t look like them either. I am extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I was over weight before I got pregnant and while I didn’t gain a lot during pregnancy, I did gain some. Then after I found it extremely difficult to lose weight, especially since any attempt to limit calories to a normal amount was causing a severe drop in my milk production. Now at 8 months I am still 5 pounds heavier than I was before getting pregnant and a good 30 more away from where I would like to be.

This weight has another significant impact on my life, which is clothes. I have very little that fit. And a total on none that fit and are stylish. Also, because of money and the fact that I am a cheapskate, I am not buying any. Instead I sport a plain t-shirt and jeans almost daily. While the skinny, popular people can probably pull this look off and be considered classic and timeless, on me it looks dumpy and old. What is worse off is even the few other “big” moms still look nice. They still have this cute vibe around them. I just can’t achieve, because although some of them look like they may be heavier than I am, I have most of my extra weight in my chin and in my tummy. Anything I wear is going to make me look pregnant. There is no hiding a tummy like mine. I have to admit being pregnant was wonderful because I could finally stop trying to suck in my tummy for 9 months. But now there was no excuse. Especially with Miss popular (and mother of two, whose youngest is 3 months), who fits back in her size 2 clothes. I leave feeling short, fat, and ugly.

I know it isn’t about how I look and truthfully there is no contest going on here, but I also can’t help but feel like I am delivering a slight blow with how smart my daughter is. She is ahead on her milestones, which is a huge amount of pride for me, even though I know this really hasn’t shown any evidence what so ever to have an effect later in life. The fact that she can almost walk at 8 months puts a look of depression on their face, the same look I have when I look at them. Somehow this is justice, or at the very least karmic balance in some sort of twisted way. 

But despite my own issues, we go, every week. Because Tempest loves the library, the music and looking at other kids. While she isn’t old enough to really play with them she loves watching them dance around and march. Its these things that we do for our children that are true testaments as how much we love them. But honestly, I enjoy our time afterward much more. We like to walk around the library, we look at a few books, and talk with the library ladies, who are much more my pace of people. We play on the giant stuffed tiger they have, which Tempest adores. For a moment, it is just her and I in this wonderful place of books, sharing in something we both love.