The Weight Challenge

So, a few days ago, I stepped on the scale (well the Wii board) for the first time in over a month. I was shocked to see that my weight had crept up, dangerously close to the most I have ever been. Now, I know much of this is related to stress, which I have been experiencing a lot of But, the glaring number staring back at me from the screen was a wake up call that I was in no way prepared for. I know I should have noticed the cues. I only have one pair of jeans that fit me and they are the biggest pair I own, I'm winded at everything, and I've been overly tired. All signs I am stressed and fat. That's right I said it FAT. I must be honest with myself if things are to change. It isn't just a little overweight, it isn't just chubby, it is fat.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I look at old pictures of myself and think "what happened?" Now, I'm not saying I want to get back to that point either. Weight has always been an issue, when I was younger I was underweight, grossly. Now, I'm over, what I think is grossly. I just want that middle ground, where I am not ashamed of my own body.

So, I've started keeping track of my food again and have made some healthy changes that I will continue to follow. I have, also, set goals that I feel are realistic.

Goal One: Keep track of all calories. This makes me face the facts and makes it easier for me to say no to snacking. I think to myself, "Do I really want to write this down?" The answer is usually no. Also, I can look at the calories I have eaten and realize I am not hungry

Goal Two: Keep track of all exercise. This way I can see exactly how much I am doing and, as opposite of calorie tracking, I can say "if I do this, I can add it"

Goal Three: Yoga and meditation. These are great tools for me to relax and remove stress and any stress relief that isn't eating is good.

Goal Four: Don't beat myself up. I understand it will take time, I understand that weight does not change the person I am, I understand that even if I fail I can still be on track. Remember this!

This week's weight in: Here is my brutally honest check in. I am starting at a horrible 178 and barely fitting into my larger than normal size 10 jeans. I hope to finish the week at a 170 and comfortably fitting into those jeans.

Trying for Baby: Time to Pause

I'm sorry for this post. I usually try to structure my posts a little, but really I just need to write. So, this is bound to be a more diary type post than most. 

I started my period today. I was devastated. I really thought I was pregnant this month. I was even 3 days late. I just felt pregnant. It hurts that again we failed. I went to my "Staying positive" list. Currently I am in the wallow phase. But something else important had to happen too. We had to decide what the next few months would entail. I was hoping this would be our month and we didn't have to worry about it, but, alas, that was not the case.

Tim and I decided to hold off trying to conceive for a couple of months. We have a couple of reasons for our decision.

One is that it will allow me to work an extra semester. This way we can hopefully get some more bills paid off and be better prepared for baby.

Two is that if I decide to go into my graduate program, I can get a full semester out of the way. I'm not entirely sure that I will be doing a grad program, but this is always an option.

Three is that we can avoid the crazy-ness of the holidays. Holidays tend to be horrible for us. We are usually pretty busy bouncing from all the families (4 different places). and to bring a brand new baby seems a little crazy. Plus, if I were to be due then it is possible that I would be giving birth then which is even crazier! Let alone, we may be without our midwife, if she is out of town for holidays.

Everything together helped us decide that putting trying to conceive off for a couple of months (2 to be exact) is the right decision for us. The problem is, I really want a baby. I am already hurt that we aren't pregnant. I'm frustrated that it is happening for all these people around me, most of which aren't even trying, while I am left behind. I understand Tim can't understand my feelings and I wouldn't expect him to, but at the same time I can't get over this hurt feeling.

The Organized Home Project (OHP)

The Mission

It is my mission this year to create a fully livable, organized home. As, I go through I will be tracking my project here.

The Problem

What I have always had a problem with is trying to get organized throughout all the chaos. I know this piece goes in the bedroom, but when I try to put it there, its spot is taken up by other junk. So, the piece goes next to its spot and the process continues until nothing is in the correct spot and there are piles of junk in every room. 

Problem number two is simply there is too much stuff. Too much, "this is nice and I might use it." Too much, "sure, I will take it." Too much, "I will use this eventually, I need to keep it". Phrases like these result in an overload of things that ruin my simplistic lifestyle I want to live.

First Thing's First

So, the first step in my process is removing all the junk, from everywhere. I am lucky enough to have two living rooms, one of which we never use. The first thing I have done is move all the junk into that one room. Everything. Everywhere. If it doesn't belong, if it isn't organized, if it needs to be organized, it goes in this room. Now, I know this method will not work for everyone. Not everyone has an extra room they aren't using and this may not be the best solution if you have an active household. But think of this as the large scale. If you are organizing a drawer, dump it out. Work one drawer, one cabinet, or one room at a time, whatever you are comfortable with.

Here is some photo's of the disaster that I have created in step one (and my cat, Wink, mockingly judging the mess):

Baby Step #1

After I removed everything to the room, I, then, began grouping the like items together. And of course tossing things I do not need and separating stuff to give away or sell.

Second is The Best

To eliminate the problem of too much stuff, I plan to give, sell or throw away 30 bags or boxes worth of stuff by the end of March. I believe I have more than the 30 and I am really hoping to surpass the 30, but 30 is the magic number I am shooting for. Why 30? Because I feel it is important to have an arbitrary number and because I believe 30 is a little out of my comfort zone but not so far I can't achieve it. Maybe your number is only 10, maybe its 50. Imagine how much you think you have to get rid of, imagine the space it takes up. How many bags will it take up? now add a few bags, there is your number. Reinforce that number. Keep it on a post it on the door, put it up on the fridge, anything that will keep it in your mind. And KEEP TRACK.

So far we have removed 2 bags of clothing, a broken oven (which I am counting on a box, because it would fill up a box) and 1 box of books. I have tossed 1 bag of papers, and burned 1 box of personal document papers. I, also, have 1 more box of books to go this week. 

Here is the box that is going:

Although it is a little hard to see, it contains about 40 books. So, these aren't little boxes I am talking about. I am talking about removing a lot of stuff.

That is 7 for those of you keeping count. I have 10 more weeks and 23 more bags to go.

Staying Motivated and Keeping the Goals in Mind

If you, like me, need some help with the motivation to toss stuff, watch Hoarders. It will help. Now, I am not suggesting my house, or anyone who is reading this's house is as bad as this show, but remember many of the people on this show are in denial about how bad their house is. I am, also, in denial. I am sure that keeping those few extra papers or storing those cable cords is not going to clutter my house. The truth is I don't need it and its hurting me.

Now, I am not deluding myself. Things take me a long time. I work, have school, have a life. I do not have time or the desire to work on this every day. I know that I can't do the "30 days to change your home" programs. I can't focus on one room at a time. I have my own pace, my own plan. But, I need those deadlines. Giving myself the year will allow me the time I need to get everything done without rushing. Truthfully, I will probably be done early and then I will be proud of myself for beating my deadline. Mini Deadlines, such as my 30 bags by March, makes sure I am actually working on it.

Trying for Baby: Staying Positive

So, This is going to be one of those long entries I was talking about.The main reason? It's a very important topic to me and really the biggest thing going on in my life.

Tim and I have been trying to conceive for a few months now, five to be exact. Although in the long run this isn't a long time, I was one of those people who was sure that I would be pregnant the first month. That first month came and went and I had my first experience with the depression of old Aunt Flo showing up. For someone who has suffered with depression my entire life, this was a huge shock that I was not ready for.

Now, I'm an adult. I have been getting periods since I was 13 and have hated it, every month, every time. So, I really thought this wouldn't be any different. But there is a funny process one goes through when trying to conceive and your period starts. First is Shock. I was appalled and shocked when I woke up bleeding. It was like I was again that 13 year old freaked out that this could happen. Shortly after it finally sunk in that I was indeed not pregnant. Then came the depression. I had failed. I felt like I couldn't get over these feelings. But I became even more determined.

When good ol' Aunt Flo arrived again the second month, I went through the same thing. The third Month? worse. I knew with ever month more and more couples are getting pregnant and I wasn't one of them. I began seeing more and more baby stuff and cute babies everywhere. And with every facebook update about children and a few friends who announced they were pregnant, I was not only depressed but bitter. I reclused even more into myself. Tim and I began to fight about little stuff, only because, I was depressed, he was stressed and I was hurting. I realized that I would never conceive like this. 

So, I began doing random things that make me feel better when I know I am not pregnant. At first I didn't even know I was doing some of these but now, as we enter into cycle five, I am leaning on these more and more. Now, for the point of this post, I've decided to list and explain my coping techniques, some good, some bad, in the hope that I can share the information with not only other people, but have a list for me to look back on in case I am not blessed this cycle and must go through it again next month and best case scenario to save for my future use with all upcoming children.

How to make yourself feel better about not being pregnant:

Distraction: The "Oh, Look! A Squirrel!" Approach
Overloading your schedule will get your mind off of baby. For me, I focused on school, work, getting all the stuff in my house organized, making sure the cats got worm medication, and pretty much anything that did not involve me thinking about how much I want kids. Did this work? yes. Is it a great Idea? Probably not. The main reason: Stress. The thing that I forgot is that when you overload your schedule you: 1. are very stressed which does not allow you to be relaxed enough to conceive. 2. You are so tired you don't want to have sex (which in case you don't know is an important part of getting a baby in your belly, no you can't just eat one.) and of course 3. or as I like to call it 1 & 2 combination hell, stress makes your immune system weak, weak immune systems get you sick, being sick sucks, because it sucks you don't want to have sex, no sex = no baby (see above for reasoning). So, if you plan to use distraction techniques try to stay away from overloading too much and make sure it is something you really enjoy and can still stay stress free.

Make Excuses: The Next Month is Better Month
So, probably the first thing that you think of when you calculate that next hopeful estimated due date is think of the month and what is going on. The next thing you do is think of why this will be the perfect timing. For our first cycle that we thought we were pregnant, we would have had a march baby and march was perfect because classes were ending and I could have the whole summer before starting graduate school. When it turned out I wasn't pregnant we moved on to the first month of actually trying to conceive and moved on to a hopeful estimated due date in May. May is great, spring is blooming, I still have all summer off and won't have to worry about going into labor and maybe still having exams. No? Oh, OK. Well, June is really perfect. We will have been married a year, it will be nice and warm (which I love). Still no baby? July, mid summer, kid won't have a B-day during school great. another month? August. My B-day is in august and plus I always thought our first would be just like me it is perfect... So, no we are moving on to October, Which is perfect because it is Tim's B-day and I get to be Prego at the Renaissance Festival (Where I have a booth) and that always seemed like so much fun. But I am sure that ever month will continue to be the perfect month

Another Month To..
This is actually a really good technique for me. There are many things that you can substitute here but here is my list of things that now that I know I am not pregnant I have at least one more month to enjoy: drink, eat whatever I want and not worry it will hurt baby, take pain meds when I have a headache, caffeine (specifically energy drinks, which I am obsessed with)
And things I have another month to do: Lose weight so I get closer to my ideal, organize our house and clear out all the clutter, save and pay off debit. So, by convincing me that each new month is actually the perfect month, I can subsequently convince myself that it is a good thing that I am not pregnant

Relax: A Quiet Reflection
This is part of my distraction technique but, I feel it is important enough to have it's own category too. Mainly because it is something that I struggle with and I think it is really important for getting pregnant. Here are some things that I do, and will be trying to do more often, that relax me:

• Yoga, I use to do this every day and it make me feel better, physically, emotionally and spiritually
• Meditation, I love meditation. I really enjoy guided meditations and have a bunch of CDs that I can listen to. There are some fertility meditations that I might try. I did just download one and used it for the first time a couple of days ago, I like how it makes me feel. I try to meditate every night before going to bed
• Baking, OK, this may be just me, but baking helps me feel less stressed and therefore in-turn more relaxed. Of course, if baking is your stress relief too I would encourage you to find some place to dump your baked goods so you don't eat all of them.
• Playing housewife, yes this is actually a stressful thing and a relaxation thing at the same time. Maybe it is because we are recently married, maybe it is because we are thinking about children and I plan to be a stay at home mom, but I love making our house a home. I love cleaning and making sure everything runs smoothly, cooking and presenting dinner and even making sure our bills are paid.
• And finally I need to remember to just stop and take even a second for myself.

Wallow: Let yourself
It is OK to be sad. I actually am just now realizing this. I spent a lot of the time trying to push back the tears, I tried to convince myself that there was no reason to be sad, that it was stupid that I would be upset and that somehow my depression made me worse of a person. Until I realized that it is sad, I want nothing more than to be a parent, everything in my life has been waiting for me to be a mom and it is sad, everyday that I am not pregnant. It's OK to be upset, sad and depressed. But, you must balance wallowing in your sadness with the ability to move on.

Fake It: Smiling In Public
Although it is OK to be sad, it is also OK to fake feeling happy. When at school and work, many times I feel very depressed but put on a fake smile and tell everyone how great my life is. There is a funny thing that happens when you do this, eventually you become happy, not about not being pregnant, but in general for the time being. I start with a fake smile and realize soon after that I am actually having a good time.

Plan: Preparing for Babies
It may seem counter-intuitive that looking at baby stuff will help you stay positive about not being pregnant, but in truth planning will make you feel more prepared. To top that off, when you are actually pregnant  the work will be done. I have spent many nights looking at baby stuff online, talking to Tim about options for birth, what we plan to do when we get pregnant, what we are going to do when baby comes and of course, one of my favorite topics, baby names. Tim asked me once why I was spending so much time thinking and researching babies, I told him "I cannot control when we get pregnant, so, focusing on what I can control helps me feel less helpless." This is exactly why I do it, I am a control freak, I hate not having control over when we get pregnant. By focusing on what I can do, I can stay positive and don't feel like I am lost. Because of this technique I spend a lot of time on baby forums. I, also, already know what midwife we plan to use (and that we are using a midwife), where we are giving birth, what I am comfortable with and what I am not, the c-section rates of the hospitals around my area, umbilical cord information, and an idea for names, our preference for keeping what a secret until when. I just really hope that I don't run out of stuff to think about and plan before I get pregnant.

Focus on Other Goals: No One is Just A Parent
What other things do you want to do with your life. For me, this includes finishing school, writing not only my novel but short stories and blogs, updating my website and promote my business and of course test out my craft ability and ability to make a living at it. All of these things help me with future dreams I wish to have. Author, writing coach, successful aromatherapy business, artist, yes! I have a lot of things on my plate. The closer to my dreams I can reach the more successful I will be at achieving them when babies come.

Read: To Baby or To Not Baby
I spend a lot of time reading, the question for me is always do I read baby books or other material? My solution has been to try to find a balance. Currently, I am only trying to read baby books about fertility and pregnancy, with more emphasis on fertility. This makes sure I don't go over board  with baby. I, also, really like reading fiction and non-fiction. By balancing a little of everything, it is easy for me to distract myself with reading. Along those lines, you can, also, spend time on amazon figuring out which books you want to read when you are pregnant and after you give birth. Reading tends to fit into many of the other techniques. With baby information , it is part of my planning. With much of my non-fiction, it is focusing on other goals. Fiction is a way to relax. and of course all are adding more things into my schedule so it is a distraction.

Write: The Blog Approach
If all else fails, or you feel you need a little more of a pick me up, write your feelings. Use a journal, baby forums, facebook status up-dates, twitter, or blog, whatever your style may be. Get your thoughts and feelings out. Maybe think about writing a list of what makes you feel better and refer back to it as needed.

So, there is my list. I hope to refer back to it often and hope that it helps others. And maybe one day soon I will no longer need it, I can start a whole new list of things to do once pregnant.

Taco Soup Recipe

So, I made Taco soup last night and It was so amazing and easy I had to share. Normally, I don't like tacos but this was great.

3 cans of Kidney Beans
2 cans of pinto beans
1 1/2 lb of ground beef
2 cans of corn
2 cans of diced tomatoes
1 packet of ranch seasoning (that little ranch mix packet)
2 packets of taco seasoning
tomato juice (probably about a cup)

I browned the ground beef. Then, I combined all the ingredients (except the tomato juice) in a big stock pot on the stove. I let it simmer for about an hour. It was a little thick so I added about a cup of tomato juice. I, then, let it cool down and put it in the fridge over night. This wasn't necessary but I know if you let a soup meld for awhile it will taste better. I, then, heated it back up the next evening for dinner.

You can also do this in a crock pot and really I was planning on it, except that I only have a really large crock pot or a really small one and neither were the size I needed.

So, when serving I sprinkled on shredded cheese (we used a Mexican blend) and crushed tortilla chips. The only thing that would have made it better was if I would have had sour cream, but we were out.

Tim really liked and and has informed me that I must, now, make this all the time for him.

Don't ask about baby plans

OK, so being a newly wed we get a lot of questions about when we plan to start a family. Many of my fellow women of child bearing age frequently get asked similar questions. I have to tell you: if you are this type of person that asks these questions, STOP! Do not ask people about their family plans. There is two sides to being this person that is being asked and I will explain both and why both suck

1.  You are not trying to conceive. For whatever reason you are waiting to have kids, don't want kids, whatever. It's annoying when you are constantly defending your choices. It is also horrible for societies expectations of you having children to be pushed in your face all the time. For many women, this starts once you get to a certain age or a number of your friends have children. But, I will tell you this is amped up even more once you are married.

2. You are trying to conceive and haven't yet. You really want kids, you are ready and trying, maybe you even are waiting to test, whatever the reason you aren't pregnant yet but want to be. This is an awful place to be, some say even worse than being in position 1. For me it has been a lot harder. The truth is people who are trying to get pregnant don't want to talk about their sex habits to everyone and probably don't want to explain to you "Well, I just bonked my husband, here is to hoping it works out!"  For those who are in this tough place, it is a horrible reminder that they are, in-fact, not pregnant.

So, if you are in either one of these positions at any time, I am sorry. I find responding with an awkward comment will stop them from asking for awhile. And if you happen to be the type who is asking people about their private sex lives, be prepared for a very honest, sometimes graphic answer

Yes! I did not believe this one

OK, So, after seeing this for a few times on-line I decided it couldn't be the same color. So, I proceeded to save it to my computer and open in paint. If you just the color picking tool you can see It actually is the same color. I find that optical illusions are always entertaining to me. And since I have been beyond busy and have not had time to even think about writing here. I decided, I can, at least, share this