Positivity, Even in Challenges

When you stumble, get back up. It is imperative that you see like as constantly revolving. Fluid, like that of the ocean; ever expanding vastness, with endless possibilities and potentials. Without chance there isn't gain, without fumbles there isn't wins. Some may see me as optimistic, some naive, some just plain dumb; none of these things and all of these things are true. I am naive, dumb, but most optimistic; I am the positive I wish to see in the world.

OHP: Recapping Month 2

As we are closing in on Month 2 of my Organized Home Project it is time to check in on my progress. I am making improvements, but no where near as fast as I would like.

30 Box Throw Away
So, as of my initial post I had discarded myself of 7 boxes of stuff. I quickly was falling behind after January closed with still only the 7 boxes gone. February put another hold on my OHP when Tim lost his job and I began picking up all the hours I could. I wasn't home and couldn't get anything done. This put me further behind. Even watching my motivation show, Hoarders, only made me feel guilty for not getting stuff done.

So, finally after a few weeks getting use to having Tim home all the time, I started picking back up with my OHP. I am up a few more boxes. Here is the list I have gotten rid of last week:

• 1 more bag of books
• 1 box of junk that needed to be thrown away
• 1 box of random kitchen stuff
• 2 boxes of mini ciders that I had left over from my wedding. I am proud of getting rid of these because they are one of the items that I said "I will do something with these" and they have just been sitting in the way

Some of the stuff getting ready to go to it's new home

So, now we are up to 12 boxes. I have three more days before I should have 20 boxes gone. I have been pretty much running around my house seeing what stuff I could get rid of. I have just made another post to my local free-cycle group (a wonderful resource; look into it!) and I have the week off for spring break. I plan to work all week to get at least to 20, but hopefully ahead of that (maybe even get to 30). So, off I go to run around my house and find more stuff to throw away, more stuff to give away and even some stuff to sell.

Life: an update

I figured I would take a second to write an update about life.

First and foremost our biggest change is that Tim lost his job. It comes as quite a shock to us both. I really think this is an opportunity for him to work for a company that is respectable and maybe that he will like better, but in the mean time it will be tough. He had a great interview last Wednesday and I think it went well, we are just waiting to hear.

Because of Tim's job loss, he has been home all week. Between that and the fact that I picked up more hours at work, I have got nothing done on my OHP. I am now down bags of stuff to get rid of and am going to have to work extra hard to catch up. Also, my diet and exercise have slightly decreased. This isn't all because Tim has been home, it actually mostly has to do with the Snow outside. I hate snow, I really hate snow.

As for our trying to conceive, although we have decided to "break" for a few months, we really haven't been. For us, a break simply is not scheduling time for us to have sex and not being so dependant on Ovulation Predictor Kits. Also, I have been cutting down on baby forums and looking at baby stuff and packed away all baby books. It has caused me to stress less about conceiving, but at the same time I have given up on the idea that I might get pregnant these few cycles. I guess only time will tell if it is a good decision or not.

As for me, My school and job are going fine. I am actually finding my french class to be some-what easy. This is my last class and I will be so happy to be finished in April, but it seems to be moving fast. My Job is great as always, I really enjoy helping students with their writing. I am considering Graduate School so I can keep my job longer (it's a student position). 

As a recap of this year, it has been a strange year. There has been many stumbling blocks along the way and very few moving sidewalks. I am hoping we get them all out of the way very soon and can propel through the rest of the three quarters of the year.

Seeking resolve

“It is no longer a question of a false representation of reality (ideology) but of concealing the fact that the real is no longer real, and thus of saving the reality principle.” ― Jean Baudrillard, Simulacra and Simulation

One can only wonder why a company whose existence is there for the serving of the population can be so void of humanity. Where is the karmatic balance of it all in the world? One territory, one company or one family or even one man can create such an imbalance to the system.  That the truth behind the injustices of the world,  In which, then, we become the life of discord, like lost souls, crying out in hunger pains; for day light; for a time where helping is helping because it is valiant , not because it is an opportunity to hold power over the docile; for a moment, even fleeting, when the imbalances converge within themselves to collapse the unjust of the system; or the repressed, themselves, are allowed to step out of the shadows they have been cast to and concur the Bourgeoisie. Crying out for anything to bring us out of these nights, the nights of deception, crying out for the time when reality is, in fact, real and not some experiment to leave us salivating, waiting for Pavlov to take pity on the starvation. It has become acceptable for such experiments to continue in our world, in theirs, without explanation or reparation. A lack of social justice and accountability have molded an imbalance so substantial that it no longer is distinguishable from the world in which it was born in, instead it seeks to replace it, the ultimate Oedipal Complex. Kill the unprejudiced father and take reign of mother ideology. Only then the company, rid of humanity, can exist, without challenge, without validation, without reason. Only then the individuals that create the system, no longer have the right to question.  Only then are there no answers, for the answers are themselves the questions in which we seek sanctuary from. An attempt to answer without the question becomes perilous. In that hazard, it becomes apparent that the answers we seek are no longer the meanings that exist, instead the authenticity has altered and the questions themselves fuel the demise of one while another, the one of the man, family, company or territory, becomes valid.  

The Weight Challenge

So, a few days ago, I stepped on the scale (well the Wii board) for the first time in over a month. I was shocked to see that my weight had crept up, dangerously close to the most I have ever been. Now, I know much of this is related to stress, which I have been experiencing a lot of But, the glaring number staring back at me from the screen was a wake up call that I was in no way prepared for. I know I should have noticed the cues. I only have one pair of jeans that fit me and they are the biggest pair I own, I'm winded at everything, and I've been overly tired. All signs I am stressed and fat. That's right I said it FAT. I must be honest with myself if things are to change. It isn't just a little overweight, it isn't just chubby, it is fat.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I look at old pictures of myself and think "what happened?" Now, I'm not saying I want to get back to that point either. Weight has always been an issue, when I was younger I was underweight, grossly. Now, I'm over, what I think is grossly. I just want that middle ground, where I am not ashamed of my own body.

So, I've started keeping track of my food again and have made some healthy changes that I will continue to follow. I have, also, set goals that I feel are realistic.

Goal One: Keep track of all calories. This makes me face the facts and makes it easier for me to say no to snacking. I think to myself, "Do I really want to write this down?" The answer is usually no. Also, I can look at the calories I have eaten and realize I am not hungry

Goal Two: Keep track of all exercise. This way I can see exactly how much I am doing and, as opposite of calorie tracking, I can say "if I do this, I can add it"

Goal Three: Yoga and meditation. These are great tools for me to relax and remove stress and any stress relief that isn't eating is good.

Goal Four: Don't beat myself up. I understand it will take time, I understand that weight does not change the person I am, I understand that even if I fail I can still be on track. Remember this!

This week's weight in: Here is my brutally honest check in. I am starting at a horrible 178 and barely fitting into my larger than normal size 10 jeans. I hope to finish the week at a 170 and comfortably fitting into those jeans.

Trying for Baby: Time to Pause

I'm sorry for this post. I usually try to structure my posts a little, but really I just need to write. So, this is bound to be a more diary type post than most. 

I started my period today. I was devastated. I really thought I was pregnant this month. I was even 3 days late. I just felt pregnant. It hurts that again we failed. I went to my "Staying positive" list. Currently I am in the wallow phase. But something else important had to happen too. We had to decide what the next few months would entail. I was hoping this would be our month and we didn't have to worry about it, but, alas, that was not the case.

Tim and I decided to hold off trying to conceive for a couple of months. We have a couple of reasons for our decision.

One is that it will allow me to work an extra semester. This way we can hopefully get some more bills paid off and be better prepared for baby.

Two is that if I decide to go into my graduate program, I can get a full semester out of the way. I'm not entirely sure that I will be doing a grad program, but this is always an option.

Three is that we can avoid the crazy-ness of the holidays. Holidays tend to be horrible for us. We are usually pretty busy bouncing from all the families (4 different places). and to bring a brand new baby seems a little crazy. Plus, if I were to be due then it is possible that I would be giving birth then which is even crazier! Let alone, we may be without our midwife, if she is out of town for holidays.

Everything together helped us decide that putting trying to conceive off for a couple of months (2 to be exact) is the right decision for us. The problem is, I really want a baby. I am already hurt that we aren't pregnant. I'm frustrated that it is happening for all these people around me, most of which aren't even trying, while I am left behind. I understand Tim can't understand my feelings and I wouldn't expect him to, but at the same time I can't get over this hurt feeling.

The Organized Home Project (OHP)

The Mission

It is my mission this year to create a fully livable, organized home. As, I go through I will be tracking my project here.

The Problem

What I have always had a problem with is trying to get organized throughout all the chaos. I know this piece goes in the bedroom, but when I try to put it there, its spot is taken up by other junk. So, the piece goes next to its spot and the process continues until nothing is in the correct spot and there are piles of junk in every room. 

Problem number two is simply there is too much stuff. Too much, "this is nice and I might use it." Too much, "sure, I will take it." Too much, "I will use this eventually, I need to keep it". Phrases like these result in an overload of things that ruin my simplistic lifestyle I want to live.

First Thing's First

So, the first step in my process is removing all the junk, from everywhere. I am lucky enough to have two living rooms, one of which we never use. The first thing I have done is move all the junk into that one room. Everything. Everywhere. If it doesn't belong, if it isn't organized, if it needs to be organized, it goes in this room. Now, I know this method will not work for everyone. Not everyone has an extra room they aren't using and this may not be the best solution if you have an active household. But think of this as the large scale. If you are organizing a drawer, dump it out. Work one drawer, one cabinet, or one room at a time, whatever you are comfortable with.

Here is some photo's of the disaster that I have created in step one (and my cat, Wink, mockingly judging the mess):

Baby Step #1

After I removed everything to the room, I, then, began grouping the like items together. And of course tossing things I do not need and separating stuff to give away or sell.

Second is The Best

To eliminate the problem of too much stuff, I plan to give, sell or throw away 30 bags or boxes worth of stuff by the end of March. I believe I have more than the 30 and I am really hoping to surpass the 30, but 30 is the magic number I am shooting for. Why 30? Because I feel it is important to have an arbitrary number and because I believe 30 is a little out of my comfort zone but not so far I can't achieve it. Maybe your number is only 10, maybe its 50. Imagine how much you think you have to get rid of, imagine the space it takes up. How many bags will it take up? now add a few bags, there is your number. Reinforce that number. Keep it on a post it on the door, put it up on the fridge, anything that will keep it in your mind. And KEEP TRACK.

So far we have removed 2 bags of clothing, a broken oven (which I am counting on a box, because it would fill up a box) and 1 box of books. I have tossed 1 bag of papers, and burned 1 box of personal document papers. I, also, have 1 more box of books to go this week. 

Here is the box that is going:

Although it is a little hard to see, it contains about 40 books. So, these aren't little boxes I am talking about. I am talking about removing a lot of stuff.

That is 7 for those of you keeping count. I have 10 more weeks and 23 more bags to go.

Staying Motivated and Keeping the Goals in Mind

If you, like me, need some help with the motivation to toss stuff, watch Hoarders. It will help. Now, I am not suggesting my house, or anyone who is reading this's house is as bad as this show, but remember many of the people on this show are in denial about how bad their house is. I am, also, in denial. I am sure that keeping those few extra papers or storing those cable cords is not going to clutter my house. The truth is I don't need it and its hurting me.

Now, I am not deluding myself. Things take me a long time. I work, have school, have a life. I do not have time or the desire to work on this every day. I know that I can't do the "30 days to change your home" programs. I can't focus on one room at a time. I have my own pace, my own plan. But, I need those deadlines. Giving myself the year will allow me the time I need to get everything done without rushing. Truthfully, I will probably be done early and then I will be proud of myself for beating my deadline. Mini Deadlines, such as my 30 bags by March, makes sure I am actually working on it.